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I shall cultivate the habits of solitary men. I shall fart at will, drink strong tea, smoke cigars indoors and collect the bones of small animals to display on my kitchen counter. I shall paint small pictures on matchboxes and develop mad crushes on supermarket checkout girls. I shall fall in love with the daughter instead of the sister. I shall practice complicated rituals of masturbation in lieu of sharing secret languages with strong women. I shall refuse to go to the doctor and will instead rub my belly with expensive oil in front of the bathroom mirror. Alone at midnight, I will eschew sleep, and instead, will dance slowly to music only I can hear. I shall plot revenge on the sexless lesbian troll who lives above me. I shall gamble my money sitting next to a big black woman until she loses and I win. I shall buy expensive sheets and refuse to change them. I will trim my fingernails in public and say "fuck" at least twenty times a day. I shall cry when I want to and never when I don't.